


Equal

by clovergum



Series: Clover's Shifterverse [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Descriptions of Anxiety, Happy Ending, M/M, Non-traditional alpha dymanics, Not Beta Read, Supernatural - Freeform, minor diasuga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:00:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25973299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clovergum/pseuds/clovergum
Summary: Fear destroys hope. Kuroo and Kei desperately fight against the tides of his own anxious mind.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: Clover's Shifterverse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860850
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	Equal

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, I had half this fic written last week but work has been nuts. Anyway I hope you enjoy the next part of my shifterverse. There are some larger time gaps between the "episodes" within the piece so I hope that is clear.
> 
> Aside from IwaOi, Kei is my favourite character (I will freely admit to bawling my eyes out when he killed that spike of Ushijima's). The beauty of Kei is that whilst we see minimal emotion externally, I get the sense that he is full of swirling feelings. 
> 
> Some of the bodily reactions to severe anxiety described may be overwhelming so please be aware of that. I wanted to provide a realistic insight into the battle that some of us face with super unhelpful thoughts and overreactive behaviours. 
> 
> Happy Reading! x

_Alpha was a term coined by the Shifter community. It refers exclusively to the dominance of an individual’s personality. Everyone has alpha to a certain point, but Shifters have used it for centuries to identify the individuals who possess leadership potential and greatest influence when living in a pack scenario._

_\- Alpha Dynamics_

Kei hated the idea of alpha. Despite the assurances from his teachers that every individual would meet people with more and less alpha than themselves throughout their life, Kei hated it! What the hell was society playing at creating a system in which people label themselves by how dominant they are? Did it not just encourage violence? What the hell was good about being dominating anyway? His own success in this area was carefully rationalised by his over-anxious mind as a necessary protection against people who will take advance. Over the course of his teen years Kei had developed a ‘don’t-fuck-with-me’ shield made of barbed words and reinforced with false disinterest. His natural height only helped in crafting an arrogant and threatening persona that kept both himself and Yamaguchi safe.

Joining the Karasuno volleyball team, hadn’t been as much of a trial as Kei had originally thought. Sawamura Daichi, his captain during his first year had been one of those rare natural alphas, that did not emphasise their dominance, but rather earnt deep respect and unwavering support through dedication, care for the team and a willingness to protect those in his sleuth. It had also helped that Sugawara’s mumma bear approach was the perfect partner for the Grizzly Shifter. Ennoshita, this year’s captain wasn’t a shifter, and was not as much of a natural leader, but following in the footsteps of Daichi’s diligence he had earned the respect of the team.

Considering captains unfortunately brought Kei’s mind to the one person he studious avoided dwelling on.

Kuroo Tetsurou. 

The Provocation King of Nekoma.

He was one of the strongest alpha personalities Kei had ever met. They had only spent the grand total of 10 days together, during Kei’s first year so it wouldn’t have mattered had it not been for the traitorous feelings that had wormed their way into Kei’s heart during those late nights practising in the Third Gym with Akaashi and Bokuto.

The strength of those feelings petrified him.

He could never bow his head to another. It was too dangerous. Akiteru had solidified that.

It didn’t matter that despite his smart-arse mouth, Kei couldn’t help but respect the sharp mind and toned body of his senpai. He was a brilliant middle-blocker. He also couldn’t help but respect the fact that Kuroo’s soul was so abundant that his eyes were permanently golden, the only change being the narrowing of his pupils to herald the coming shift. And he NEVER lost control. Like Daichi, his team loved him and submitted willingly to his direction. Even Bokuto, one of the Top 5 Aces in Japan, and brimming with alpha himself, gave way to Kuroo.

Kuroo was dangerous.

Kuroo was at university this year, studying psychology. Kei had not asked but received regular updates from Kenma through Hinata. The idea that the shrewd mind was mastering the art of reading people on a professional level was terrifying.

Kuroo was weaponising his alpha. 

_Alpha cannot force others to obey, but it carries the weight of suggestion. The perceived strength of the individual seeking dominance as well as the respect they garner from their peers tend to be strong indicators for success. This also means that the influence of an individual will vary greatly depending on the context._

_\- Alpha Dynamics_

It was the last night of Golden Week and Nekoma were hosting. Kei and Akaashi were in the Third Gym, both seeming to have turned up each night by compulsion rather than intention. They had mucked around with other players from each team, but by Thursday most students were exhausted by the constant demands on the body that volleyball camp provided.

‘It is so much quieter this year.’ Akaashi commented softly, spinning a volleyball thoughtfully in his long fingers. Kei chuckled softly. Without Kuroo’s constant snide jibes pushing them to try harder and Bokuto’s exuberant energy and desire for approval which always resulting in him demanding more tosses the Third Gym seemed almost devoid of life.

‘It is definitely more peaceful.’ Akaashi responded with a small smile.

‘Have you heard much from Kuroo?’

‘No.’ Kei responded curtly, ‘why do you think we would be in contact?’ His posture straightened instinctively.

‘I just thought that you two seemed to be enjoying each other’s company and so you might have sent each other the occasional text.’ Akaashi’s tone and posture was still neutral, but Kei remained on alert.

‘Not really. Although I do get updates because Hinata doesn’t know have to shut up.’

‘Yeah, Bokuto-san is doing well too. I’m sure you will be unsurprised to hear that he is studying Ornithology.’

‘Well, well, well. If someone had told me that Tsukki would be standing looking forlorn in the Third Gym of Nekoma on the last night of camp pining for his beloved senpai, I would never have believed it.’ The smooth drawl of Kuroo paralysed Kei for a moment. He’s not here. He is not supposed to be here! And yet in all his slightly punk, sexy glory stood the former Nekoma captain, leaning with all grace against the doorframe.

Kei did not even hear Bokuto’s normal ‘Hey, hey, hey!’ His brain had jumped to hyper-speed.

Kuroo was here.

Kuroo knew he missed him.

Kuroo just confirmed to himself the control he has over Kei.

It took about three seconds for Kei’s mind to activate his amygdala response. Fight.

It was lucky that Kuroo’s reflexes were as sharp as ever. He had expected a reaction from Tsukki, but not a shifted adolescent white lion lunging furiously at him. He shifted as he dodged, his black fur looking like midnight satin when against the white blonde coat. He caught Tsukki around the middle and threw the lion off balance, the two cats crashing into a yowling, scratching, vicious mess on the floor. Kuroo winced as Tsukki’s claws caught him on the cheek. He was trying to restraint rather than attack, keeping his own retracted, but the strength and panic he could feel coming off the desperate cat was making him reconsider. Thankfully, despite Tsukki’s growth, he was still the stronger of the two and after several minutes of very intense wrestling Kuroo was standing atop Tsukki his large paw on the other’s throat, forcing the submission. Black tail lashing, the panther fixed the lion with a commanding stare. Eventually Tsukki broke eye contact and relaxed. A gesture of surrender. Kuroo sprung backwards his eyes still trained on Tsukki in case the younger boy decided to retaliate, but as suddenly as the Shift came, it reversed and Tsukishima pulled his human form off the floor, refusing to look at Kuroo and practically ran from the room.

‘What the fuck was that about?’ Bokuto demanded. 

_Some people have over emphasised the importance of natural alpha in a person. However, alpha can be developed over time, but it requires a solid base of self-esteem in the individual. Someone with poor self-image will either try to out alpha others using manipulation or threats or be unable to assert themselves in a scenario. Conversely a person with positive self-image can see the need for appropriate assertion within a group as well as possess the confidence to take charge if the situation requires it._

_\- Alpha Dynamics_

The day that Kei had snuck into Akiteru’s game and seen his brother cheering from the stands instead on playing on the court, he had seen a set of six players more alpha than his brother who had crushed his love for the sport and his self-esteem to the point that he would lie to own brother about being the ace.

It was that day that Kei changed from being aware of alpha dynamics to being desperately afraid of them.

And whilst everyone, including Akiteru who had apologised and tried to explain, had said, Kei refused to give up his fear.

He blanketed it in nonchalance. The power of not caring, robbed everyone, of their ability to have a hold on Kei. If he didn’t care, he couldn’t hurt if someone stronger came along.

But he had started caring.

He cared about volleyball.

It was no longer just a club. From the moment he killed Ushijima’s spike, Kei was hooked. Thirsting for the moment in which he could show his own dominance on the court.

He cared about Kuroo.

About what he thought of Kei’s blocking. About what he thought of _Kei_.

He was standing under the steaming stream of the shower, silent sobs wracking his body. His throat felt tight, even if he wanted to, the sound would not come out. He gasped for breath. He hated this. This feeling of being out of control, of being in danger. It ruled him day and night. But most of all, he hated it when he lost it on the outside. He had fucking transformed and almost ripped Kuroo’s face off like a psycho. Shit! There was no coming back from this.

He could feel his body leaning into the Shift again and he fought for control. He probably had another ten minutes before Tadashi came looking for him.

Ten minutes.

He dug his fingernails into the soft underside of his arms, the pain grounding him.

The relationship was over. Before it had even started. Kuroo would never be interested. So there. Over. He didn’t need to care anymore. He could go back to controlled apathy. He was safer alone. He was safer without caring.

_The bonding ceremony is the Shifter equivalent of a non-shifter wedding. It involves the pair making promises of fidelity and care and involves the giving and receiving of symbols which represent the bond. Traditional symbols included a bite or scar to the body caused by the partner as a sign of binding. Modern bonds may use jewellery or body art such as tattoos. Unlike weddings however the bonding ceremony is a private event for the couple alone, but this is usually followed by a celebration with the pack of the couple or their close family and friends._

_\- The Encyclopedia of Shifter Customs_

Kuroo ran his hand through his bed-hair for what seemed like the millionth time that day. Bokuto noticed but did not say anything. He already knew the internal monologue that his friend was reciting. Bo had tried to talk him out of it, but Kuroo was stubbornly holding onto responsibility.

The long and the short of it was; Tetsu was pissed. At himself.

It had been eight weeks since the Golden Week disaster and he knew damn well that he was the one at fault. He was a bloody psych major, what the hell was his problem?

He knew that Tsukki was a closed and private person, hell if he had stopped to look instead of being misty eyed and in love, he might have noticed that almost EVERY SINGLE INDICATOR for an anxiety disorder stemming from trauma was presenting in the younger man’s behaviour.

He had escaped the encounter with three bruised ribs and a scratch to the face and shin, pretty lucky considering he had managed to cause a full-blown fight response. Despite Bo’s constant wheedling, he had not gone to the doctor for pain medication. He deserved it.

The question was, was Tsukki ever going to speak to him again? Every attempt to get into contact over the last two months had been rebuffed.

Tomorrow was what he was considering the last hope. Suga and Daichi’s bonding celebration. It had surprised the total of nobody, that the former captain and vice-captain had decided to formalise their bond so soon. The thought of bonding always flowed onto a mental image of vanilla coloured fur with a half-grown mane, deep dark eyes and large paws with sweet pink pads. Tsukki was a white lion, close enough to his own panther to be considered a good personality match. Even if Tsukki had been a rabbit, Kuroo would have wanted him. But the idea of a wild cat partner, equal in strength and intelligence, was thrilling.

He just needed Tsukki to give him a chance.

***

It was impossible to miss the blonde, Tsukki’s height and gorgeous hair were already captivating, but paired with black skinny jeans, a white collared shirt and a grey knit cardigan Kuroo couldn’t take his eyes off him. Not wanting to make the same mistake twice Kuroo greeted the happy couple and mingled with the other guests in full view of Tsukki, to give the younger man time to register his presence and the option to approach first. Of course, Bo and Akaashi were there as well as Oikawa and Iwaizumi and his old year mate Yaku. It was lovely to catch up with old friends and old enemies in the case of Oikawa, and Suga and Daichi were swanning around their party proudly sporting the traditional claw scar of bear shifters on their left collar bones.

Sipping his glass of champagne following the toasts, Tetsu decided it was time to approach Tsukki. The younger man had been well aware of him for the last two and a half hours but had refused to initiate conversation. The blonde was standing with his best friend Yamaguchi and Iwaizumi. Kuroo decided this was a good environment to try, because the power balance swung in Tsukki’s favour.

‘Iwaizumi, Tsukki, Yams. It is good to see you all.’ He greeted. Iwazumi smiled easily, but Kuroo noticed that the other two tensed.

‘Good to see you Kuroo-san.’ Yamaguchi began. ‘How’s university?’

‘Great thanks. I am really enjoying first year psych and the volleyball is next level which has been really challenging.’

‘Have you made it to first string yet?’ Iwaizumi enquired.

‘Nope.’ He popped the reply, watching a flitter of shock flash in Tsukki’s eyes. ‘Our university played against you guys a month ago. I watched you and Oikawa from the bleachers. He is amazing your boyfriend.’

‘Thanks.’ Iwaizumi smiled again rubbing the back of his neck, ‘but please don’t tell him. He doesn’t need the ego boost.’ Tsukishima’s snorted seemed to escape him without his consent, but the warm glances from both Yamaguchi and Iwaizumi seemed to calm any nerves he may have felt.

‘I won’t.’ Kuroo replied raising three fingers in a scout salute. ‘How are you two enjoying the end of second year? Do you know who’s going to be captain yet?’ Tetsu noted that Tsukki was encouraging Yamaguchi to speak, but it did not seem to be because he was avoiding speaking to Kuroo…

‘Umm, yeah, so apparently it’s going to be me.’ Yamaguchi mumbled a rosy blush covering his cheeks giving his best friend a half-hearted whack. ‘But Tsukki’s going to be my vice, obviously.’

‘Congratulations to you both.’ Kuroo replied. Although Yamaguchi restarted almost as if he had not heard Tetsu;

‘Someone’s gotta help me. I’m not the most alpha person on the team. In fact, I’m pretty sure I got picked because I’m the least alpha, otherwise Tsukki and Kageyama and Hinata would probably kill each other trying to prove who is the most dominant. But I will need someone who can enforce my authority if anyone gets crazy.’

‘Not going to happen. Everyone respects and loves you Tadashi. In fact, I think there would probably be a line-up of team-mates ready to crack heads if someone disrespected you.’ Tetsu was surprised and yet not, to hear the confidence in Tsukki’s tone as he affirmed his friend. Not that Tetsu didn’t already know, but this definitely confirmed, that Tsukki was a good friend. It was interesting to hear him downplay the significance of alpha though…

‘You’re already a great vice,’ Kuroo interjected risking a light touch to Tsukki’s arm. The shock in the touch was reflected again in the man’s eyes, but thankfully for Tetsu, he did not flinch or move away.

‘Thanks.’ The soft words and shy glance went straight to Tetsu’s heart.

_Illness is a known trigger for the Shift as the body is less able to self-regulate. This has resulted in a number of anecdotes from family members detailing the panic of whether to consult a doctor or a vet when their partner was sick. Research has shown however that human medicine has no adverse effects when given to a Shifter in Shift, but to be prepared for changes in behaviour including but not limited to increased desire for closeness, heighten aggression and or confusion which can cause harm to the Shifter and others._

_\- The “Biology” of the Shift_

It was a fog. A hot sticky, dense fog which clouded Kei’s mind. It was impossible to know which way was up in this constant state of between dreams and waking.

***

Kuroo had jumped on a train the moment he had hung up when Yamaguchi called to say that Tsukki had been calling out for him. He felt the need to verify it for himself. Even the video evidence was insufficient. When he walked into the room despite the long travel time, he was assaulted by the sense that this was wrong.

The young man he was in love with, lay sweating and vulnerable deep in the grip of a fever. Kuroo knew immediately that Tsukki would scratch his eyes out if he realised that Kuroo was there. He was so freaking independent! Why? Kuroo did not know but flipping back over all the times he had growled, stalked away, fought, thrown shade, Kuroo knew that Tsukki’s alpha persona was just one big easily triggered defence mechanism.

He was about leave when a soft breathy ‘Tetsu’ floated toward him. Tsukki rolled toward Kuroo furthering sushi-ing himself in the mound of blankets that he wore.

‘Hey Kei. I’m here.’ Kuroo responded with an almost involuntary step forward. But Kei’s eyes were tight shut.

‘Tetsu… I-’ Kuroo stayed rooted to the spot unsure of what to do. This time he registered half with fascination and half with disbelief that Tsukki was calling him by his first name. This must be the heavily guarded internal thoughts of Kei being voiced by the fever. Kuroo couldn’t help the shit-eating grin that stretched across his face in response to the idea of Kei secretly and intimately calling to him. It gave him hope.

‘Tetsu… I … wish…’

‘I’m here Kei.’ Kuroo replied more confidently, he moved toward the bed. He caught Kei’s cold, pale hand as is stirred from the depths of the blankets and started rubbing soothing circles. Despite the contact Tsukki seemed to be becoming more and more distressed.

There was crack of bone on bone as the blonde shifted, a fully-grown white lion now lying sprawled and panting in a cocoon of sheets. Mumbles turned to mewls and Kuroo clenched and unclenched his fists. Clearly despite the sickness Tsukki was majorly distressed. Kuroo shifted with the hope that he would be more effective in his own matching form. Much to his surprise Tsukki was still crying out for him, which confirmed his earlier suspicion that he had no idea that Kuroo was there. As lethargic limbs started to fight the confines of the blankets, Kuroo decided that extreme action was required. Golden eyes assessing everything carefully, he tentatively climbed onto the bed settling himself so that his body was touching the full length of Kei’s. The weight seemed to register through the fever fog and Kei’s movement slowed. Tetsu thrilled with this development began to purr, soft and steady.

Lulled by the purrs, Tsukki curled his body against Kuroo’s. His large paws clumsily bumped against Tetsu’s chest; his damp nose pressed into the velvet black of Kuroo’s paws. The lion’s breath was overly warm but Kuroo ignored it. Soon his breathing evened out into a restful sleep. Tetsu’s purring increased.

When Kuroo woke later in the afternoon to the sound of Yamaguchi opening the door he realised that Tsukki was human again. The green haired man paused taking in the scene a blank look on his face until he was skewered by the golden gaze of Kuroo. The black panther rose majestically and purposefully from his rest, paws silent and sure as he climbed over his sleeping crush. Only when all four paws were on the carpet did Kuroo shift again.

‘It was necessary.’ He said softly, the hunter stare still fixed on the third man.

‘I wasn’t doubting you.’ Yamaguchi replied. The slight break in his voice belied the dominant posture. Kuroo was well aware that Yamaguchi wasn’t a Shifter and he wasn’t particularly alpha either despite being the current captain so he could respect the attempt to protect his friend. Tsukki stirred in his sleep again and Yamaguchi moved quickly to the bedside checking his temperature. ‘The fever is broken.’ The sigh conveyed the anxiety that had obviously been plaguing him since before he had rung Kuroo. ‘Thank you.’

Kuroo looked at him in surprise.

‘It has to be you. This is the calmest he has been for three days. Despite what he says – I mean I’ve known him practically his whole life – I know what he is like – you matter to him. He has no idea how to share that constructively, but hell, you mean something very different to anyone else in his life.’ Yamaguchi flushed as he finished his little speech throwing a desperate look at Kuroo, as if trying to convince him.

‘He means a lot to me too.’ Kuroo replied with a soft smile looking past Yamaguchi to the blonde on the bed. ‘And hell, I am going to keep trying to convince him to take a chance on us!’ Yamaguchi beamed at him.

‘Did you want to stay tonight?’

***

When Kei was finally able to break the surface of unconsciousness, he was struck by the fact that his bedding all smelt strongly of Kuroo. He would later deny it, but his first instinct was to rub his face and neck against the course blankets to re-envelope him in the comforting scent. It was a little embarrassing to realise a little too late that Tadashi was standing in the doorway wearing a cheeky smile.

‘He was here. Stayed three days.’

Kei’s head snapped up, his sharp glare no less piercing without his glasses narrowed.

‘Why?’ he demanded, the harshness somewhat negated by the rasp of his dry throat. But Tadashi was too familiar with Kei to be intimidated. He moved across the room to deliver a bottle of water.

‘You called for him.’

‘You’re lying.’

‘I’m not. Plus, when he came, you settled and actually got better.’

‘I would never-’

‘You did.’

Kei’s eyes widened in fright as he made out the blurry rectangular shape that Tadashi was producing from his pocket. Tadashi had learnt early on with Kei to maintain evidence. Kei scrambled desperately for his glasses. As the world came into sharp relief, he was confronted by a video of himself twisting and turning in bed moaning; ‘Tetsu.’

‘Shit!’ His body had betrayed him. Kei felt heat overtaking him again, so he lay back down. Kuroo had seen him. Seen him at his weakest. ‘Why the hell did you let him come?’ Tadashi’s body stiffened at the accusatory tone, into what Kei usually affectionately termed the Captain’s pose.

‘Because you wanted him and when he came you got better. Everyone needs help sometimes Tsukki.’

The disappointment in his tone was overshadowed by the panic of Kei’s own internal monologue.

It’s not that simple!

_Alpha does not seem to have a direct impact on the success of relationships. Often it is based on personality and trust in the partner. Some couples have a significantly more dominant partner, others are more equal. The only evidenced based impact alpha seems to have on couple is when there is a constant fight for dominance from one or both partners. This becomes exhausting and erodes the trust of the partnership. Relationships will naturally provide opportunities for both partners to lead and follow._

_\- Alpha Dynamics_

The cherry blossoms were budding for their graduation. Diplomas in hand and many tearful hugs and photographs later Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had officially finished high school. Both had received acceptance into the universities of their choice and now had the break to look forward to before they moved to Tokyo to begin their studies.

‘I think someone is here to see you Tsukki-kun.’ Yachi called as she made her through the sea of well-wishers. Kei turned around and stiffened at the sight of Kuroo loitering awkwardly on the fringes of the crowd. It had been six months of tentative texts since the fever incident. Kei felt the familiar surge of fear rise in his throat, but it was being tempered by the licking warmth of affection. Kuroo had travelled all the way from Tokyo for his graduation!

‘Hi.’ Kei mentally face-palmed his anxiety rising at his own lame greeting. But the words were tangled in the wave of fear. Kuroo just smiled.

‘Hi. Congratulations on your graduation. I know how hard you’ve worked.’ He presented Kei with a bunch of camellias. Kei felt his face heat, unsure what to do, he focused on the flowers. They were a soft pink.

‘Thank you.’

Kuroo could see the flickering of the colours in Tsukki’s eyes as his emotions encouraged the shift.

‘Where are you going to school next year?’ The blush on Tsukki’s cheeks darkened, but he did not respond. Tetsu breathed deeply.

Focusing on Tsukki in order to get his own feelings under control following that small rejection. Kuroo suddenly noticed that the second button of Tsukki’s uniform was missing. He felt like his stomach dropped into oblivion.

‘Who did you give your second button to Tsukki, got a crush?’ His own shit-eating grin and teasing lilt coming to his rescue.

‘I gave it to Tadashi, obviously.’ Kei’s eyes almost completely black and his tone sharp.

‘Well, this might be awkward for you then.’ Kuroo said laughing, although it had a self-mocking ring to it. He produced a button from his own pocket and held it out to Tsukki.

Kei took the button, the lie about his own button making his mouth taste like rust.

‘I kept it for you. That is the button off my Nekoma blazer.’ Kei looked at Kuroo in shock, his eyes immediately reverting to caramel brown. But now it was Kuroo who was avoiding his gaze. Running his hand through his hair Kuroo breathed deeply again. ‘Sorry Kei I realise I keep pushing you and you aren’t ready or maybe you just aren’t interesting in me like I am in you. I’ll get out your space. Shoot me a text if you want to catch up if you end up in Tokyo next year.’

The wave of nausea, fear, lies, feelings blocked Kei’s words preventing him from stopping Tetsu as he strode away.

Tears dripped onto the camellias and button clutched desperately in his hands.

_Often individual’s alpha is strengthened when they feel connected to a supportive network. This is not limited to a romantic relationship, but when there is deep trust between partners it is estimated that alpha increases by up to as much as 25%. This is clearly linked to the positive self-esteem that comes from being a part of a successful, faithful and trusting relationship._

_\- Alpha Dynamics_

It was two weeks since graduation. Kei was standing in front of a green painted door with his stomach churning and a constriction in his throat. In his hands he held a button – the same one that had been hidden in his blazer pocket for the entire graduation day, least someone ask him for it – and a bouquet of white chrysanthemums mixed with red camellias.

It was Kuroo’s door.

He wanted to knock so badly, but he was also half convinced that he had fucked up so back that the whole situation was irredeemable.

He was wearing Kuroo’s button on a small leather strap around his wrist, hidden under his watch. He touched it for comfort. Kuroo had been vulnerable with Kei. Tetsu had essentially surrendered his heart with no hope of reciprocation. It destroyed the last warped, twisted and anxiety laden fears that Kei held about Tetsu’s alpha.

The man wasn’t interested in dominating him.

He wanted to love him.

And Kei wanted to love him too.

In the end, the door opened before Kei could knock and Tetsu’s face was priceless. He opened and shut his mouth a few times which caused a tiny smile to dance around the corners of Kei’s mouth. He took a deep breath.

‘These are for you. They mean I’m sorry. Not because I can’t return your feelings, but because I can – the red camellias mean love - I have let my fear of being weak and belief that I wasn’t good enough for you rule my actions for too long. I lied. I didn’t give my second button to Tadashi. I pulled it off and hid it in my blazer all day, because I wanted to someday give it to you. This is it.’ He added unnecessarily. Tetsu produced a strangled giggle. ‘I am going here. To the University of Tokyo. As soon as I knew my course was offered here, I wanted to come and join you. I am scared shitless by how strongly I feel for you Tetsu and I am not good with feelings. Which I think is pretty obvious. But if I haven’t fucked this up beyond all hope I hope you will consider giving me a chance. I would really like to go out with you.’

Tears dripped onto the chrysanthemums, camellias and button clutched desperately in Tetsu’s hands. But this time they were a mix of joy and hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed the vignettes into Tsukki and Kuroo's romance.
> 
> Battles with thoughts don't get simple, perfect resolutions. It will take time for Tsukki, but there is so much hope and I sincerely wish you felt it.
> 
> I'd love to hear your thoughts and if you have any couple requests!
> 
> Clover x


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